Thieves Paradise

Since today is Good Friday I thought I'd share this sketch from the show Burning Questions. I have to admit that this is one of my favourite sketches, not least because, although it always got big laughs, I was once accosted after a show and told I would probably burn in hell for mocking our Lord on the cross and should be ashamed of ever having written it. A little harsh I thought but see what you think.

THIEVES PARADISE

[THE SKETCH TAKES PLACE IN THE BAR OF THE LOCAL PUB. THE TWO
CHARACTERS MAY BE SUPPING FROM BEER GLASSES.]

A:
It near broke my heart to see old Barney hanging there.

B:
Hanging where?

A:
On a big wooden cross.

B:
So why was he doing that?

A:
Well mostly because of the nails.

B:
What, real nails?

A:
Yes.

B:
That's a bit barbaric. You could kill someone like that.

A:
They did. Barney, Jim and that Jesus.

B:
So Barney's dead is he?

A:
Yeah, he was crucified.

B:
Nasty.

A:
He was a good bloke.

B:
Well, he wasn't that good. He was a thief. That's why they crucified him I expect.


A:
Yes, but he was a good thief.

B:
No he wasn't. He got caught.

A:
He never had any luck.

B:
No.

A:
Fancy breaking into a geezer's house when you absolutely posit­ively know he's not going to be there, and then being caught in the act when he comes home totally unexpected.

B:
Yeah. What was that bloke's name again?

A:
Lazarus.

B:
Chance in a million that.

A:
Yeah. Poor old Barney.

B:
Mind you, Jim wasn't much better. I mean, fancy breaking into a house only to find the owner had given everything away.

A:
Blooming Zacchaeus.

B:
And fancy both of them breaking into that gate keepers house...

A:
Only to be spotted by an eyewitness.

A and B:
Blind Bartimaeus.

A:
Still, in their line of work they knew they were taking a risk.

B:
What about that other bloke?

A:
Who, Jesus?

B:
What was his crime?

A:
It was funny that. No one seemed to know.

B:
What was he? A thief? Con man? Fraudster? Mugger?

A:
Rabbi.

B:
What, a holy man?

A:
Apparently. He had a sign on his cross saying he was the king of the Jews. But I heard people saying that he was the Son of God.

B:
If he was the Son of God, what was he doing nailed to a cross?

A:
That's what Jim said. He gave him a really hard time, mocking him and shouting at him to save himself and them.

B:
Jim was a hard man.

A:
As hard as nails.

B:
Not quite... What about Barney?

A:
Barney was a bit different. He seemed to recognise something in Jesus.

B:
It's a pity he didn't meet him earlier. He might not have ended up where he did.

A:
They seemed to get on well enough though, given the circum­stances.

B:
How do you mean

A:
I heard Barney ask if Jesus would remember him when he came into his kingdom.

B:
As if Jesus didn't have enough on his plate.

A:
That's what I thought. But Jesus made him this promise, see?

B:
What kind of promise can you make to a dying man?

A:
He said, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise".

B:
What do you think he meant by that?

A:
That he was for... for... for...

B:
Four sheets to the wind?

A:
No, that he was for... for... for...

B:
For he's a jolly good fellow?

A:
No, that he was for... for... for...

B:
Fortunate?

A:
Hardly. No, that he was forgiven.

B:
Oh.

A:
Yeah, nice thought that.

B:
Any way, I'm going to miss old Barney.


A:
Yeah, but at least his suffering is over.

B:
Was that Jesus the same bloke who's been preaching all over the place?
A:
I suppose so, yeah.

B:
I heard him once.

A:
Oh yeah?

B:
I hope that when he made him that promise he knew what Barney's profession was.

A:
What do you mean? A housebreaker? Well what does that matter now?

B:
Because it was Jesus who said, "In my Father's house are many mansions."

A:
Then Barney really will be in paradise.

© Stephen Deal, 1993

A Tale Of Theft And Criminal Damage

I don't know, what is the world coming to? Theft and criminal damage visited upon children and the disabled. No, don't worry, you haven't accidentally happened on the Daily Mail website, it's still me. It's been a miserable few days thanks to a couple of miserable events. Polly and Sam's godmother, the lovely Stacey, took the boys to the park the other day. The boys rode their Flashing Storm scooters as they often do and left them as usual against the fence. It was cold and starting to get dark so they didn't play for long. Just a quick nip up the climbing wall and a whiz round on the round-about and back home. Only when they went to collect the scooters, as they have a thousand times before, they were gone. Stolen, nicked, made off with. Some heartless bastard had scooted off with my boys precious wheels.

The boys were devastated, particularly Matty, and felt suddenly vulnerable in a place they had previously felt safe in. Sam was more put out by the fact that he would now have to walk home. I suppose it would be unchristian of me to hope the wheels fall off and a trip to casualty ensues.

Then, on Saturday, Polly was working in Wimbledon and was parked on the street. When she returned from entertaining a pack of little darlings to load her equipment back into the van she found that some numpty had driven into the back of it with one of those metal tow bar fixtures you attach caravans or trailers to. The resulting damage means that the ramp no longer works and I can't use our van any more. We will have to take it to a body repair shop and have bits welded back together at vast expense and inconvenience. Thank you whoever you are. I hope the lump of metal on the back of your vehicle did not suffer too much damage.

So, if anyone offers you some cheap children's scooters, let me know. And if their car has a slightly damaged tow bar with flecks of white paint on it, do me a favour and let their tyres down.

On a completely different and happier note I would like to congratulate my friend Alistair Kevin Daniel on the confirmation of his doctorate. I'm still not exactly sure what semiotics is, but it's good to know they are in such safe hands. I'm very proud of you Dr Daniel, well done. If ever there was a man born to wear scarlet medieval robes, it was you.