Friday, 6 November 2009

Less Pain And Wheelchairs

Those of you who follow such things will be glad to know that I will soon be able to resume my life of adventuring. My rafting trip up the river Amazon to train piranhas in dental hygiene techniques will proceed as planned now that my back is so much better. Dr Toosy popped in to check it wasn't osteoporosis and that it is actually getting better. (It wasn't and it is.) I have been been able to cut back on the pain-killers and have started teaching our goldfish to brush regularly.

Rations on my anticipated adventure have been sorted. My team will be eating the tins of baked beans that had previously served as table leg extenders. There may be some argument over who gets the tin of curry flavoured beans. We have been able to free up these valuable resources because Polly has found some wooden blocks that are designed for the purpose of extending furniture legs. They lack the je ne sais quoi of the Heinz tins but are less likely to collapse and squirt tomato juice all over our living room.

Today the man from Serco came and took my old wheelchair away. This was good for two reasons. Firstly it means I feel I can trust my new super-duper wheelchair. There has been no repeat of the breakdown I suffered just days after I first received it. And secondly, we don't have space to store a spare electric wheelchair. The old one has stood in our living room like a particularly unattractive decorative feature. Polly had taken to looking at it gloomily and wondering if she would be able to stand the Christmas tree on it. I had pointed out that the old chair did have a tilt mechanism so that would have helped with the age old problem of getting the tree to stand up straight.

Right, enough for now. I still have to organise with social services for carers to come with me on my Amazonian adventure. There may be a few health and safety issues.


  1. I say just GO FOR IT, Stephen! You never know what you are capable of until you try it - you might just find you and your carers take to white-water rafting like fish to water (and they might appreciate the expedition as an opportunity to broaden their horizons)! On second thoughts, those fish might seem like mealtime to the piranahas, so maybe you'd better make sure your carers have up-to-date insurance which covers just such eventualities! In the meantime - enjoy the planning. I look forward to updates on how the adventure is progressing!

  2. Rafting is of course a hazardous pastime.
    Can I respectfully suggest you equip with a Mercury 4 stroke 5hp engine with a manual start,this way you will be able to control the front of the raft and keep it level rather than have the problem of the bow rising and the tins of curried Beans and carers sliding off the back. You can always get another carer but from my recollection Heinz curried beans are not easily sourced in Manaus. The other advantage with using an outboard motor, as opposed to making your carers paddle all the way up and down the Amazon, is that they wont be tempted to dangle fingers in the slow moving water. With the fish having gingivitis their teeth don't cut cleanly when they bite.But they will after you have been and sorted them.

  3. Can't you just put some flouride in the river and save all the trouble.

  4. You DO have some funny friends, don't you, Stephen??? Hold on a minute, I'm one of your friends!!! Actually, feel free to let go - I stand by my first comment!!! You DO have funny friends, ALL of them!


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